


Junior's awesome, exciting, very much not scary adventure

by Nenchen



Series: Auntie Thief Collection [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: A bit but i swear it's mostly happy, Comedy, Crimes & Criminals, Crying, Cute, Cute Kids, Funny, Homesickness, Mental Breakdown, Other, Sexual Humor, Swearing, but only like once - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22070938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nenchen/pseuds/Nenchen
Summary: What happens when a demon child who is entirely too much like his father gets denied sweets? He goes on an adventure! Even though he didn't really plan to.Will Junior find what he was looking for?Will he make a new friend?Will he hear some new stories?Will he get chimkin nuggest?And will he, finally, get back home again?The answer to all of that is yes, of course. Snabies content is not allowed to be sad. Illegal. And I, just like my other protagonist, am trying to stay out of prison.AKA: Junior runs away from home and meets a thief. Then they try to get him back home.
Series: Auntie Thief Collection [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1613875
Comments: 53
Kudos: 97
Collections: Wiggleverse





	Junior's awesome, exciting, very much not scary adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This Fic got finished thanks to the ACE Omens server with it’s adorable snaby team, especially Amihan ([northeasternwind ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NortheasternWind/pseuds/NortheasternWind). on here) and the Wonderful [LaskasBasket ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaskasBasket/pseuds/LaskasBasket).who recently commented on every single one of my fics and has now motivated me forever. Also it was genuinely a lot of fun to write.

„No Junior, no candy for you. Remember, that’s what we agreed on after you gave yourself a tummy ache on Halloween. You chose no candy for two weeks. And one week more if you break the rules.“

Of course Junior remembered. He had after all chosen it because he’d thought it would be easy to sneak an occasional bite of candy. At least compared to watching TV in secret.

„But Azirafather! Was only a small bite and I wasn’t gonna do it again!“ He put on the best puppy eyes a snake could manage. Well second best, only surpassed by one of his sniblings. Those usually worked.

„Junior. We agreed on this consequence. And since you have overindulged on several foods, I am not convinced you will have learned a lesson this time. One more week without sweets.“

Junior grumpily slithered away. He knew it was true. It was just so hard to stop himself when the candy was right before him! Father said it was probably partly because of their instincts, so that meant he wasn’t even to blame right? And still he got punished. It wasn’t fair!!!

He thought that last part as loud as he could, to drown out the small voice that told him he had indeed very much agreed, and his fathers only wanted to protect him and keep him healthy. Father said some rebelling was healthy for a child anyways.

So, small rebellion it was. Getting candy. A problem for him to solve!

Anthony Junior prided himself on his problem-solving skills. So far he had always found a solution for his or his sniblings‘ problems!

Scales itchy? Soak and scritch.

Cold at night? Snuggle and blankies.

Plants have brown spot? Tell them to grow better. But say please, as Azirafather taught them.

Couldn’t reach a book? Ask fathers.

And thus, he set on to finding a solution to this problem too. Well another solution. He already tried sneaking and arguing for now. Both didn’t work. Azirafather was too smart. He would have to come up with something foolproof. Something he would never expect! Something from… TV! Azirafather didn’t watch TV!

He thought about what he’d seen on TV recently. 

Cooking a cake? Could work as bribery, but very hard to do as a snake. Would probably turn out like fathers‘ cakes. No good. Solving a case for Azirafather? 

Would maybe work. Azirafather would have to say thank you properly out of politeness. But there was nothing to investigate. 

Win in a sports competition? No Azirafather didn’t like to compare them. They all were always winners.

But then it came to him! That movie where a child ran away from home after a fight. And after he got home again, his parents were very glad and forgot all about the punishment. Perfect!

However, this needed careful planning. The parents in the movie had been very sad after a while and he didn’t want his parents sad. Or his sniblings. So only a short running away. 

And the child in the movie went very far from home and then couldn’t return. So stay close to home. But hide very well, so no one would find him too early. 

Plan done! And it was a good plan! Problem almost solved. Now, to execute it. 

Junior thought about hiding spots. He couldn’t hide inside the bookshop where father would be able to find him easily. So, he had to find a hiding spot outside! 

Determined as only a child can be, Junior made his way to the front door to look for good hiding spots. 

Hmm. 

Flowers on the windowsills next door would be good but too high to reach. 

Hiding under a car was dangerous. 

Post Box? No. Maybe they would empty it. 

But then he spotted it! 

The café right on the other side of the street had another potted plant, some sage. He loved sage! And more importantly the big low leaves were good for hiding. And most importantly: there were some crates stacked before it. Some crates he was very sure he could use to climb up to the pot! 

He would just have to hide from the humans that were sitting at the table next to it. 

But he wasn’t just the problem solver. His thinking skills also made him very good at hiding. He was the best at spying on Azirafather’s customers! They only saw him when he wanted to scare them! 

And, with this plan, Junior slipped out when the door opened to let in a new customer. 

He made sure to look on both sides before crossing the street. 

He sneakily climbed up the crates. Just like planned.

But if everything went off without a hitch, there wouldn’t be enough story left to tell, would there. 

If you looked at the word count we have left for this story, or read tags and summary, you have an idea of what happened next. 

Junior didn’t. 

He didn’t know that the uppermost crate was open just a slight bit, and neither did he see it. 

And thus, a very surprised little snake fell into a crate. 

This wouldn’t have been too big of a variation of the plan, if he hadn‘t hit his head on a blunt object, going unconscious immediately. 

This still wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been for the van that arrived, the men closing the crate and loading the van. 

Even now, the small big thinker could have found his way back home. Probably. Somehow. 

But getting loaded on a plane, unconscious, and getting shipped to a whole other continent… that would be a bit harder to find a way out of. 

Especially if the box you find yourself crawling into, searching for warmth, is a collector’s item, donated and soon to be displayed behind glass in a museum. 

Lucky for our little sneak, someone else was trying to execute a sneaky plan. 

Lucy. 

Lucy was a nice girl. A smart girl. 

The kind of girl to visit a museum on Sundays to learn something new. A truly nice, proper and unsuspicious use of free time. Also someone a bit of a wall flower, always blending into the background. 

However, it wasn’t Sunday, and thus, Lucy wasn’t at the museum during her free time, but for work. 

You see, the thing about Lucy was that she was very different from what you’d expect her to be. If you even had any expectations looking at her, it was usually something proper and nice, like librarian, artist or exotic dancer, on the account of one perverted asshole. 

No one ever guessed what her job really was. 

A Professional. 

A Thief. 

One of the top ten in the world to be precise. 

And as such, her job was to steal a certain, incredibly valuable box from this museum. 

Just like Junior, she was a thinker and had devised a perfect plan. 

This plan involved nothing less than three disguises, a perfectly timed black out, a replica of said box and just to be on the safe side, a taser gun. 

It went off without a hitch. 

Until her breath hitched, when she carefully opened the box, to check if everything was in order. 

A snake?! How in the WORLD had a snake ended up in this box?! 

No time to think about that. The transfer was happening in five minutes. 

She grabbed the snake, which appeared to be unconscious. Probably because it was pretty cold. How cold was a snake supposed to be? 

Well, she decided, a bit of warmth surely couldn’t hurt. She put it into her coat‘s pockets, absentmindedly nothing things she’d have to get for it later.

* * *

Junior awoke under the warmth of a heat lamp and with the smell of mouse and food being cooked in his nostrils. 

Somewhere music was playing, some kind of soul music. Fathers favorite. 

He slowly looked around in the unfamiliar room. Ah, there father was!

„Father?“

His father turned around, brown eyes wide. 

„What?!“

Uh oh. Not father. Not good. 

People weren’t supposed to hear them talk, that was both fathers’ number 1 rule and they had explained why. Humans were often scared of things that behaved different than they expected. Or worse, as father had said. They could get curious. 

And thus, Lucy the human and Anthony J. Junior the not entirely snake were staring at each other, completely silent. 

Well, except for the music still playing. 

Until Lucy got over the shock. 

Lucy was a smart person, always alert, senses sharpened. A byproduct of her job. She rarely doubted her perception of reality. 

Still, her next question was very predictable and kind of dumb. 

„Did you just talk?“

This is when Junior decided to amp up the disguise.

“No. Cannot talk. Only snek noises. Snek snek snek.”

The little snake shut up again, looking at her as if to see if she’d bought it. 

Sure. 

Moving on.

Considering what had just transpired and the way she acquired this little… whatever, she came to a few logic conclusions and some important questions. 

„Are you a demon or something?“

‘OH!’, Junior thought. She knew about demons! Then she probably was ok. Like Vet! So he answered.

„NOOOO! Father is Demon! I am snek!“, he said, half exited and half the condescending way only a child could convey. 

Lucy gave the smartest answer she could think of at that moment.

„Ah.”

A weird demon child then. Great. That had some very uncomfortable implications.

Junior kept on rambling like any overexcited child that just found a potential new friend would.

„Father is also snek sometimes. But him and Azirafather said we only look like him because that’s what they imagined us to be. Well father always says we are even better! You look lots like father! Is that because I imagined you to be him? Do you know father?“

He looked at her with the exact same expression. Of course, since he was a snake with a range of facial expressions of one. Which pretty much was only one.

Somehow, she still got the impression that he was looking at her expectantly. 

„Sorry to disappoint you, but no. No idea who your father is. And as far as I know, I’ve always looked like this. No unusual influence.“

„Oh.“

The little snake hung his head low. How could He look close to tears?!

„You ok there, buddy?“ she asked, concerned. 

Honestly, this was all a bit much. 

The original plan had been: Get the snake healthy, give it to someone who will care for it, don’t get attached. 

That had been out of the window, just like her in the museum, as soon as he started talking. 

She knew what happened to mysterious things. A child shouldn’t have to find that out by firsthand experience. 

But on the other hand, she couldn’t keep him with her either. Even if she didn’t work a job as demanding, his parents probably wouldn’t be glad. 

She was used to doing risk benefit assessments in her mind for any situation and honestly, few things would be worth meeting a probably pissed off, real life demon. 

Plus, the child seemed… homesick. And he was kind of adorable. She never had been good at denying something adorable.

Well, new plan: Find the parents and bring him back. Discreetly. 

Not that different from her usual line of work. 

First: Time to carefully gather some information. 

Usually carefully meant not traceable by legal or illegal authorities. Now it was getting the information without upsetting a child. She honestly didn’t know which was harder. 

Mission: Start. 

„It‘s ok little buddy. Seems like I’ll have to help you get back to your father, ah, fathers, huh?“ 

The snake perked up noticeably. 

„Oh! Thank! I don’t want fathers to worry! Well not too badly. Can we go now?“ 

Ok so the plural had been correct. Good to keep that in mind. 

„Uhh. Well. How about you tell me your name and where you life first?“

„I am Anthony J. Junior. Life in Azirafather’s bookshop! Who are you?“

Was it possible for a snake to beam proudly? Apparently yes.

„Nice to meet you Anthony. I will need the address of that bookshop to get you home.“

Evaded the personal question like a pro. 

Still, she had a bad feeling coiling in her gut at the questioning cock of the head that was her only answer. 

„You know, like name of your street? House number?“

„Streets have names?“, came the confused answer.

Called it. Shit. 

„Yes, yes they do. Please tell me you know the name of the city you live in.“ 

A more confused stare. 

„Or what country you live in.“ 

Nope. Nothing. This was going to be interesting. 

„Ok Kid, listen. This world is a very big place. You know that?“

„Yes? Fathers always tell of their travel. Before they had us. But they say no place like home.“

He perked up talking about his fathers. Maybe some info about them could help her find his home.

“And what are your father’s names?”

“Father and Azirafather! I just said!” he countered.

She could swear he was somehow rolling his eyes at her. Great.

“Yes, you did! But do you also know what they call each other?”

Please please please. She was having flashbacks to babysitting in her early teen years. She’d loved it, but it always took a toll. Especially if you were forced to help with their schoolwork. And cook. And clean. And still somehow manage to do your own work. For days on end.

She shook off that train of unpleasant memories and refocused onto the child in front of her, who was still thinking.

“I think, father calls Azirafather Azira... vale? And Azirafather calls Father Crowlay!”

Ok then. That was something.

“Ok then Anthony. Let’s do some research!”, she said, grabbing for her Laptop. 

Good thing she knew how to find even very hidden information. With names this uncommon, this should be reasonably easy. Right?

A few hours later her optimism was proven undeniably wrong. She’d looked everywhere. For any kind of spelling of those names she could think of. Nothing. The search went so bad she’d treated the both of them to snacks and a Ghibli movie to air out her brain and keep the child happy and occupied. But she was at her wits end. 

Every lead she’d thought she found was leading into nothingness. The internet didn’t know of anyone with those names. 

She knew his parents spoke in the same language they spoke in, English[1] but she couldn’t pinpoint the child’s accent[2]. And Anthony Junior apparently didn’t interact with other humans enough to know if they even spoke the same language as him. So, she’d even widened the search radius to non-english speaking countries, to other languages she could speak, to other languages she couldn’t speak. Nothing. 

She was honestly just grasping for straws now, listing country names and seeing if he could recall anything to narrow it down. So far, nothing. Only a few left on her list.

„Poland.“ 

No reaction. 

„Germany“

Nothing. 

„Italy. Belgium. Switzerland. France.“

„Oh! I know France! Father always teases Azirafather because he went there just to get crêpes!“

Finally, something!

„That’s a start. So you don’t life in France. Do you know how your father travelled there? Or how long it took?“

„Azirafather always says no matter how far he is away, nothing can keep him from us for more than an hour!“

He looked so proud and please to know this, she couldn’t tell him it didn’t help her one bit. 

„That’s great buddy. I bet he loves you very much.“

She felt like smacking her face into a pillow. 

The way his face lit up when he said „Yes!“ made her chest ache. 

How could you feel homesick if there was no home to miss? 

“Well then, we’ll do our best to get you back to your family as soon as possible. Let’s continue. Portugal? Spain?” 

Those were her last tries.

He interrupted her again. 

“Father doesn’t like Spain. I heard him say he always remembers the in- insision?” 

The kid looked as if he was concentrating very hard.

“The Spanish Inquisition?!” she inquired. 

Huh. She wouldn’t have expected a demon to have problems with that. Maybe he’d been exorcised? But that was not really important.

“Ok, then you probably don’t live in Spain either. Very good! We are getting somewhere!”

He preened. 

But they were getting nowhere. They had nothing, except not France and probably not Spain and honestly, she did not see how she’d ever be able to find his home. Unless his fathers found her, which she’d really rather avoid too. 

Seeing the adorable little noodle sad, however, wasn’t a good option either. 

So she smiled on and booped his snout instead of voicing her concerns.

“Let’s just finish the movie for now and then go to sleep, ok sweetie? And tomorrow we will do more investigations. I’m sure there will be some things you know that will help me find your family for you.”

He looked at her. Just a tad to long for her to buy the cheery “Ok!”.

Oh no. Hopefully the movie would help, because honestly, she was really out of practice caring for people.

They watched on, only interrupted by the occasional delighted noise or question from the little snake next to her. At this point she had honestly given up on questioning the mechanics of her being able to hear him, even though his mouth never moved.

During a particularly gripping scene, the little snake moved onto her lap, half hiding behind her hand to only peek out every few seconds to see what was happening. He ended up half wound around it, ready to hide again at a moment’s notice. It was adorable. Even more adorable was the following.

“Pet my head!”, in a demanding tone. 

“Please” added as an afterthought.

Her hand had already moved to do the tiny demon spawns bidding, thumb gently running over his head. Did all snakes feel this smooth and soft? 

The repetitive motion and the movie made her thoughts drift off. 

This was really nice. She hadn’t just sat down to watch a good movie in a long time, since work and cover up work took so much time. And also… Watching movies alone just wasn’t the same as sharing the experience with others. No one to discuss it with, no one to gush about it (or roast it) with, just no one to share it with. But making friends in her line of work would just pose too much of a risk, for them and her. 

The movie ended and she was shaken out of her musings by a more important question.

“What do we do about the sleeping situation? How do you usually sleep, Junior?”

“Pile with siblings!!! Oh…”

His expression fell and he hung his head low.

“Siblings are home…”

“I’d offer for you to sleep in bed with me but you’re so small. I could crush you.”

For a moment the both just sat still. Lucy still petted his head. Then an idea came to her.

“Hey, what if you sleep in the bed on a blanket pile? That way I am nearby, without danger of crushing you and you are on a pile of softness!”

He perked up a bit at that. He looked at her, considering.

“With lamp?”

He nodded to the forgotten heatlamp on the table.

“Yes sure, no problem.”

“Okie. I survive.”, he concluded, sounding like a suffering tragic heroine.

She grinned at him, giving him a gentle poke.

“Oh, you brave little hero! Ok bud, then let’s get ready for sleep. Do you have anything you need to do? I need to brush my teeth for example.”

“Brush teeth?? But teeth do not have hair?”, Junior said scandalized.

That startled a laugh out of her.

“Nono not like hair. It’s a different kind of brush and it’s so you don’t have residue of food on your teeth. For me that would make them get holes and maybe even fall out.”

Big horrified eyes were her answer to that.

“Oh, don’t worry it’s probably different for you! If your fathers didn’t make you brush your teeth until now, I’m sure you don’t need to.”

“Okie.”

“And anything else? I mean I have to change clothes, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have to do that.”

She winked at him, gaining a giggle in return.

“Nooooooo! I don’t wear clothes silly!”

“Ah yes, the truest fashion statement. Full on Adam and Eve style. A bit risqué but very chic nonetheless.”, she joked.

He giggled again.

“Noooooo! Father says they wore leaf. I don’t have leaf.”

She stopped in her tracks.

“Oh, your father knew them? In Eden?”, she asked, still smiling and trying to sound casual.

“Ye! He gave them the apple and then fell in love with Azirafather because he gave them his sword! Even though the other angels didn’t like that.”

Fucking shit. Shit shit shit. GOOD TO FRIGGIN KNOW. The original tempter AND an angel. Were his “fathers”. Great. Amazing. Absolutely not terrifying at all. Juniors continued rambling brought her back to reality.

“Can I see you brush teeth?”

“Sure bud. Hold on tight.”

She smiled at him, standing up from the couch and moving to the bathroom where she deposited him on the sink and mechanically began the motions of brushing her teeth. A million thoughts were going through her head. Most of them were variations of “What the fuck” and “I am fucked”, which, considering the situation she was in, was actually pretty calm and collected. Good thing her pokerface was trained, since Juniors eyes were fixed to her face in fascinated horror. 

“You brush every day before bed?”, he asked.

“Mmnh” she gargled.

“With MINT???”

“Mmnh?”

“Ewwww. I don’t ever wanna be human!!”

She snorted. Time to put her focus back to the child in her care. Other concerns could wait until later.

She finished brushing her teeth and set up the blanket and heat lamp for him, leaving him to snuggle up while she went back to the bathroom to change and use the toilet.

Back in the room she got into bed and turned towards him.

He looked at her expectantly. 

“Good night Junior?”

She hadn’t meant for it to come out as a question, but she really had no idea what he was expecting. And he was expecting something.

“I am gonna turn off the lights now, ok?”

“Nooo!”, he cried out immediately.

“Why not? Are you scared of the dark?”

Honestly, she’d appreciate the irony of that. But not the resulting loss of sleep.

“Nooooo! You gotta read a book until I fall asleep!”

Ah, she really should’ve been able to guess that. Only a minor problem.

“Oof. I have no idea what kind of books this apartment even has.”

Or, better, what kind of child appropriate stories it had. All works of the 50 shades series were right there on the nightstand, so that sure said something about the literature taste of the owner. 

“How about you tell me what kind of story you want to hear? And then I can make one up for you?”, she offered, also hoping that inventing her own story would mean a quick end. 

She was honestly getting tired. And tomorrow looked like another busy day.

“You can DO that?!”; he gasped, delightedly. 

“I want the one about the princess and her horse, and it can speak and she should get married to a prince but then her maid tricks her and says she is the princess and the real princess has to watch the geese and the horse gets KILLED! And with shapeshifting aliens and cowboys and ROBOTS!!!”

He looked at her expectantly again. She blinked slowly. 

“I will try my best, ok?”

Good thing she’d been a practiced storyteller once. She turned off the lights and started.

“Once upon a time, there was a princess. 

She was nice and beautiful and smart. 

Her mother was a good ruler for their kingdom, but they were very poor. And thus, they decided the princess should marry a prince from a richer kingdom, so they could join riches. The princess accepted this, because the other option would have been selling her beloved, talking robot horse, Fallada. 

So, she went on to travel to the other kingdom with her maid. 

But what she didn’t know, was that her maid really was a shapeshifting alien with a nefarious plan! When they were alone, she took on the princess’ face and forced her to change horses with her, making her promise to tell no one that she was the real princess…”

The story continued with her having way too much fun making up dramatic and incredible scenarios, from the shapeshifter explaining their similar looks as “I needed a body double in case of attacks” to her having to look after the geese with a Cowboy named Jo, until the story finally ended with the alien captured and the princess repairing her beloved horse, and riding off into the sunset with Jo and the plan to establish mines in her own country. 

When she said “The end” Junior was out like a light. 

She smiled. For a demon spawn he honestly was one of the cutest kids she’d ever met. 

Even though she had expected to be lying awake for hours, panicking about this weird situation, his fathers and how she was gonna get him back home, alternating with pondering the meaning of life, she didn’t. 

She fell asleep with a smile on her lips.

* * *

The next morning; she was woken up by something cool and smooth demandingly booping onto her nose. 

She groaned. 

Either there was a very small dog that somehow made it into the apartment, which was on the 9th floor – or the memories flooding her brain were very much not out of a weird dream, but out of her weird life.

“Wake up! Please?? I am booooored.”

Another gentle push against her nose. Time to face the day. And the little snake in front of her face. She opened her eyes and crossed them, just in time to see Junior lean forward for another boop. She decided to go the mature course and blow a raspberry at him, making him yank back and giggle.

“And a wonderful good morning to you junior. Did you know that most people like to sleep longer than ”

She squinted at the clock on the nightstand (Sat on top of the 50 shades books. Good thing the covers of these were fairly discreet.). 

“6 hours?”

Junior gasped.

“REALLY??? But that’s… so long! I only sleep for 3!! But father says we have to nap during the day!!”

“Yeah. But thank you for holding back for, uhh, three hours then? What… did you do in that time?”

She honestly didn’t know if him getting that little sleep was a snake thing, a child thing or a demon thing. 

She also hoped he hadn’t done the child/demon thing during the night and just watched her sleep. 

That always gave her the shivers. Honestly and some people thought that was romantic when it was a grown ass man, hell no.

“Oh! I was not awake!”

“Huh. Guess you were pretty tired after yesterday too hmm? How are you feeling today?”

“I am good! We are gonna find fathers today, yes?”, he asked, cheery and optimistic.

It was way too early for her to have steeled herself against this. The pleading eyes. Oh no. She sat up.

“Junior, sweetie, come here.”, she said, holding out her hand invitingly.

He crawled on, his head cocked to the side in silent question.

“Ok, so some honest and serious talk. This world… Again, it’s a very big place. Like really, really big. The city we are currently in has over 2 million people living it. There’s several continents and hundreds of countries and well… you, uh… I mean we don’t really have a lot of information on where to look for your family. So… it will probably take a while to find them?”

It was pretty much impossible at this point, but she was sensible enough not to tell him that. 

He looked at her with wide eyes.

“So… I won’t go back to them today? But it’s Tuesday. We get to do something special on Tuesdays.”

The disbelieving tone almost broke her heart. She wished she better news for him. But there only were worse news.

“We will just keep on trying ok? And hey, I bet your parents are looking for you too. And they are probably much faster and better at it than me, right?”

Terrible acting skills. If this were any other situation where she had to lie, she’d probably go to prison, or worse. 

But children often simply believe what they want to believe. A great thing to be able to do that most adults loose as life proves them wrong one too many times. 

“Yeah! Fathers are really good at searching. Father is always the best at hide and seek!”

Again, she really didn’t want them to find her with him. It would probably look very bad for her. But also, this child couldn’t stay with her. And she wouldn’t want him heartbroken.

“Ok then! First order of the day is breakfast. And I think we both deserve a little treat as a pick-me-up, don’t you? Anything you would like?”

She still had a few mice in the freezer. Eggs or cereal for herself? Probably depended on his table manners.

“OHHH!! I WANT CHIMKIN NUGGEST!!”

Well. That was unexpected.

“Chicken nuggets?”, she asked, tentatively.

“Chimkin nuggest.” He nodded, decisively.

“I… don’t have chicken nuggets.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t buy any. I did expect you to be a real snake, so I bought mice.”

“But… you can eat for yourself too? Do you not like chimkin nuggest?”

“No? But they are kind of unhealthy and I didn’t buy that much food for this apartment so…”

“So we get chimkin nuggest and we both eat. Good plan. You are so smart!”

She blinked slowly, which was honestly starting to become a habit at this point. Well, she did say he was allowed to get a treat. And she had to get some groceries anyways.

“But this is a one time only special treat ok?”

A cheering snake. She sighed, shaking her head fondly at him as she finally got out of bed. 

“I’ll go and get ready and then I’ll go shopping ok? You can watch TV or something.”, she said, depositing him on the couch and turning the TV on for him.

“Noooooo! I wanna go too!”, he whined.

“I don’t think that’s the best idea bud. People don’t usually react well to seeing someone walk around with a snake. And even worse when that snake is talking.”

“Oh! Other people can’t hear me talk! Only if I want to! Pleeeeease. I do not like being alone.”

He looked at her with those eyes again. Wait was this calculated? Yes there! He turned it up even more!! She glared at him.

“I see what you’re doing there, Junior.”

“I am doing nothing! No evidence no guilty!!”

Dang it he was too cute. She really shouldn’t give but…

“Ok, ok. Let me see if I got a good pocket for you to hide in. But I still need to get ready first.”

Turning to leave for the bathroom, she heard his small voice cheering and let the grin she’d been biting back out. He reminded her of herself too damn much. At least he wasn’t sad anymore.

She came back 15 minutes later to him watching cartoons, wearing a cardigan with big, soft pockets. 

“Let’s go. I do hope this mode of transportation pleases you, your highness.”

She held out her hand for him with a dramatic flourish and a little curtsy.

“You are making fun of me!”, he complained, narrowing his eyes at her.

She gasped, dramatic and mock-offended.

“Why, I’d NEVER!”

He interrupted her.

“It okie. You still do what I want.” 

He slithered onto her outstretched hand, which she brought to the pocket, stunned. She didn’t have a good comeback for this. So, her mouth decided to go with a bad one.

“Only because you’re cute.”

“Hehe that’s what father always says!”

“Understandable.”

Should she be concerned about thinking along the lines of a demon? 

Nah. It wasn’t an opinion but a simple fact. 

The sky appears blue (as viewed from earth). 

Grass appears green (unless under a microscope). 

Junior appears cute. 

No, he was cute. Adorable even. She gave in to the urge to boop his snoot that was looking out of the pocket. 

“Now stay down there and keep hidden, ok? We don’t want people freaking out about you. People get weird with snakes sometimes.”

Putting her shoes on and grabbing her bag, she left the apartment and got her phone out.

“I know, I know. We sometimes scare away Azirafather’s customers. Father often helps us! But sometimes people think we are cute. Then father always scares them away.”

Hm. That was a thought. File away for a time with Laptop access.

“So, what kind of chicken nuggets do you want me to get? Dinosaur?”, she said, looking straight ahead and holding the phone to her ear.

“Nooo! Silly. I want chimkin. Dinosaur are not real!”

He giggled. 

She pondered if that statement was a simple “child didn’t get taught about earths’ history and archeology” thing or if there was something she didn’t know. 

A weird gut feeling told her it might be the second. Dang it, she liked fossils! There was a reason she visited museums on a Sunday. 

“But they ARE cool, right? It’s only dinosaur-shaped anyways. It’s still chicken. Though they do say the dinosaurs were the birds’ ancestors sooo technically…”

Feeling like she was getting the stink eye from her pocket made her grin.

“Well anyways, what other foods do you like? Or wait, which don’t you like, I fear that is gonna be more important.”

“I do not like green.”

“Ah, anything green. The classic. That includes spinach of course?”

“Ye.”

“And lettuce.”

“Ye.”

“And, of course, you’d never eat a green gummy bear or M&M!”

“Noooooo!!”

“But why? They are green foods, aren’t they?”

He seemed to ponder this for a moment.

“I like green sweets. But no veggies.”

“No veggies at all?”

“No just green. I don’t like green.”

“Ok ok, I got it bud. Just messing with you. Anything else you don’t want to or can’t eat?”

“Coin.”

She paused.

“Did…did you eat a coin?”

“Ye.”

She paused again. Then, in a very low and kind of distressed tone came the inevitable.

_“Why?”_

“Was lying next to sweets. Looked like chocolate coin. But was father’s sidewalk coin.”

_“Sidewalk coin???”_

“Ye! For gluing onto sidewalk.”

Huh. So apparently the demon, original tempter of humanity, liked to glue coins to the sidewalk. Who would have thought?

“And… how did the coin get out of you again?” 

“OH! We had to go to vet. Vet is nice! Calls me handsum. But also thinks we are familiar?? But she is not in family. So we adopt her! Vet also knows about fathers, because she is a witch. Witches know.”

“So, witches are real, but dinosaurs aren’t?” 

At that she got some weird side eye from a passerby. She smiled apologetically and mouthed “Children ay?”. The Woman’s stare softened immediately.

“Ye! Witches are v nice. Like Auntie Vet and Auntie Witch. Auntie Witch was the first witch we adopted. But she has baby too now. Human baby, not snek. Is cute but can’t talk??? Even though 6 month? Human are weird. Very slow. Can also not move right. Is not fun. But Azirafather says to be nice and wait, and let it take time. Though I do not know how it can take time. Time is for everyone!!”

The laugh this startled out of her almost made her drop the coin she had fished out for the shopping cart. 

“Yeah, that’s right. But that expression just means you should wait for something and not press for it to happen. Just to be patient. Some things you just have to wait out you know?”

Pushing the cart inside, she headed right towards the produce, getting some fruit and vegetables for herself. That should suffice. Then to the pasta and cereal to restock the things she’d used from the apartment. Finally turning towards the frozen aisle for the chicken nuggets.

“Ok, we are getting towards the nuggets now. I’ll see if I can let you peek out and choose somehow, ok?”

No answer. She got a bit concerned. 

“Junior??”

She could still feel him. When there was no answer, again, she gently poked the lump in her pocket.

“Everything all right?”

“I should have just waited.”, came the answer in a small, sad voice.

“Waited for what honey?”

Oh no he sounded so defeated. So lost. She really didn’t want him to be feeling this way. It was awful to feel like this as a child.

“My punishment to end.”

“Punishment??”

And then it all just came out, like a dam had been destroyed. All she could do was look for a hidden spot and put her hand into the pocket to pet him. He wrapped around it immediately.

“Fathers said I couldn’t eat sweets because I had too many on Halloween! But I like sweets. And I don’t eat too many, I really try but there were so many and they all looked so good and everyone was eating a lot so I didn’t think! And then I tried to sneak and Azirafather got all strict but disappointed and I really wanted sweets but I also wanted them to just like me again like normal. And then I made a plan to run away, but only for a bit so they would be glad I am home again and I would get hugs and kisses and everything forgiven and ok but not too long so they would not be sad and I planned it all so good, I swear, I really did, but I fell into the crate and I hit my head and then I woke up and it was so dark and so cold and really loud and I was scared so I curled up in a cave thingie and then I fell asleep again. And then I woke up again and...”

He trailed off.

Finally, a quiet corner. She gently took him out of her pocket and pocketed the phone. 

“And then you thought your father found you, but it was just me, right sweetie? I am so sorry.”

“Am I bad? Am I stupid?”, he sobbed. 

She swallowed heavily to get down some of the feeling that had worked its way into her throat.

“Nooo sweetheart. Anthony. Hey, hey. Look at me.”

He removed his head from where it had been buried into her palm. If he was a human, she was sure his little face would be tear-stained with the way he sounded. But his face looked just like always. Only the eyes conveyed the load of negative feelings he’d just let loose.

“Listen to me. You are a good and smart child. Sometimes we just… plan things and life happens differently. 

It can happen to everyone. The important thing is how you act on it and what you learn from it. 

And you’ve been trying very hard to get back to your family. And you didn’t even ask me for sweets, even though I offered you anything you want! So you obviously respect your parents rules and deeply care for your family. That’s a good thing!! 

I can’t promise you everything will be ok soon. But I can promise you that we will keep searching, and as long as we are searching, I will take care of you. We can do this, ok?”

Funny enough, she found herself truly meaning that last part. She would care for him. 

Even if that meant giving up her travelling. Even if that maybe put her into danger, but well, when had she ever not been in danger. 

Risk benefits assessment be damned. Under no circumstances would she abandon this child now.

He sniffed.

“Okie.”

“And now we will get some chicken nuggets and enjoy the heck out of them, right?”

His mood brightened a bit, he replied with an almost-enthusiastic “Right.”

It brightened considerably more when she actually managed to sneak him out to look at the different kinds of chicken nuggets and he discovered there were some that were brightly colored. Brrr.

She quickly went to the register to pay, and tried to find a safer topic for conversation again. Surprisingly she found that he had quite a few thoughts and opinions on literature, which provided material for conversation all the way back to the apartment and during the frying of the nuggets.

“So you know all of Grimm’s fairytales.”

“Mmh!”

“And you STILL wanted me to change up the goose girl with robots and aliens and cowboys? Interesting literary choice bud.”

“Thank you. Robots and cowboys and aliens make everything interesting!”

She divided the nuggets onto two plates, smiling. As she carried the plates and him over to the table, she asked for his favorite book, which turned out to be “Where’s my cow.” 

Surprising, considering this child had read all of Oscar Wilde. But also not surprising at all. After all, he was still a child.

She set him and the plates down, grabbing for her laptop to check on something.

Distractledly, she asked “Do you want any condiments with that?”

“MMN MMN!” came the negative answer. She looked over.

“Junior no!!”

Wide eyed and wide jawed he looked at her, about to consume a nugget half as big as him in one go.

Reaching for her knife and fork she said, “Wait wait, I’ll cut them smaller for you. Or you’ll end up looking like the snake in the little prince.”

To his puzzled look she replied.

“Ok, we are definitely reading that one as a bedtime story tonight, I don’t care if I have to go out and buy it. Unbelievable you don’t know it. Just wait for it!”

And with that, the nuggets were cut and they both dug in. However, Lucy also was digging for something else. Reviews.

Juniors earlier comments about scaring customers away, and the general stories about his father’s bookstore had given her an idea. 

With how badly his father wanted people out of the shop, this was probably one of the worst rated bookstores in the world. IF it was on a platform. 

The search of the worst rated bookstores worldwide, with the additive snake was surprisingly producing quite a few hits, so she was working her way through the comments, to check if it could be a hit.

This one actually seemed quite promising.

> Iamadouche said:
> 
> This bookstore is honestly not just the worst bookstore, but the worst STORE I’ve ever had the displeasure to visit. Oh sure, the interior is ok, no dirt, no exceptionally weird smells. But the shop owner gave me the most displeased look when I went in to simply browse and then that other man came up behind him and started kissing him!!! Like I know we are in SOHO but blergh, no one wants to see that!! And THEN! When I gave them a displeased look and turned to leave this…establishment, there was not one, not two, but FIVE snakes hissing at me from the shelves!!! And I swear to anything, I heard the other guy laugh like a demon. Straight up from hell. I have been dreaming of that laugh, it was horrifying. I am a grown man who is not scared of anything, but I was close! 
> 
> Edit: THE DAY AFTER I LEFT THIS COMMENT MY USERNAME CHANGED. I CANNOT CHANGE IT BACK. I SWEAR THIS GUY FUCKING HACKED MY ACCOUNT SOMEHOW!!!

Snorting, she clicked on the pictures of the bookstore. Ah, only two, but at least one was from the inside. Kind of blurry though. Looked like taken while running out. She grinned.

“Junior?”

“Mmh?”, he answered, mouth full.

Turning the laptop towards him she said, “Would you look at this for a second please?”

Considering what happened next, it is a very good thing that snakes physically can’t choke.

“THAT’S IT!! THAT’S HOME!!!”, he cried out, spitting food all over her keyboard and swallowing the rest in a blink.

“It…it is??”

Unbelievable. It had worked. They both looked at each other, silent for a moment. Then they both started to grin.

“WE DID IT!!”, they cheered. 

Junior slithered over the table to wind around her hand and she hugged it to herself. 

“We really did it. I can’t believe it!! SO! And this is important, you live in ENGLAND in a city called LONDON, district SOHO and your address iiiiss”

She turned the laptop.

“Here. Read it. You should also be able to write it.”

“Does that mean I can go …home?”

“I am booking us tickets for the next good flight.”

The flight ended up being next morning, allowing them to read the little prince together, which Junior greatly enjoyed. 

Luckily the flight wasn’t that much earlier than her original flight, and the destination not too far off, so it would be easy to explain away. Who could deny a girl a quick and nice trip to the city?

Getting onto a plane with a snake proved to be a little problem. Good thing she knew a few people who knew how to perfectly forge some very official looking documents that declared Junior to be her emotional support animal. 

And she didn’t mind people thinking she was a bit crazy, reading to a snake and commenting on the movies playing. 

Most of the time, however, she was thinking of a plan to get Junior home, without being the one to drop him off.

They were good parents, yeah, but she really didn’t want to explain to two supernatural entities why exactly she had their missing child. Always better to be careful. 

But there is an app for any problem now, right?

They landed in London six hours later and took the subway to her hostel. 

Holding out her hand, she helped him climb out of the carrier they’d gotten for the plane.

“So! We made it!”

“Yeeeees! Thank you. Lots. You are so nice and smart!”

Oh boi, this was going to be hard.

“When are you gonna take me to fathers? I want them to meet you!!!”

He sounded so excited. She hated to do this but… it was better this way. 

“I’m sorry bud, but I…won’t be able to take you. I have some things to do in London. But I arranged for someone else to come and pick you up, so you can get there as fast as possible! Yay, right?”

Oh, she’d overdone it with the cheeriness. He looked up at her, baffled.

“So…you will not bring me home?”

“No. I’m sorry.”

“But you’ll visit, right?”

Ah there it was. The moment she had to break two hearts. Breaking her own was easier. But…She wouldn’t lie.

“Junior, I …I don’t think I will.”

“Do… Do you not like me?”

She hurried to stomp out that thought.

“NO! No bud, really I like you quite a lot. I had a lot more fun these last two days than in ages.”

“Then you’re scared of my parents, aren’t you. That’s why I wanted you to meet them! No one who met fathers thinks they are scary!! Except mean people!”

She hesitated.

“Junior, I…I can’t deny that is part of why. But it’s not all. Mostly it’s just… me. I uh. I am. Well.”

“A spy?”

Again, she was baffled by how perceptive this child really was. He must have picked up on a lot more than she’d thought.

“Pfft, yeah sure as if. No. I am… kind of on the other side of that business. I won’t bore you with what exactly I do but I have to be very careful to not make certain people suspicious of me. And this whole thing, while great just… did not fit into my plan. You Know? Like you falling into that crate and getting knocked out. I need to get back to my own plan. Can you understand that?”

He looked at her for a long time, considering her. Then, finally.

“Ye. I understand. But… I will miss you.”

Tears were pricking in the corners of her eyes.

“I will miss you too, bud. I mean it. You are a wonderful child, and you should never forget it ok?”

They both wanted to say more, but a knock on the door interrupted them. 

“Miss? Hello? I am here to take a package?”

“ONE SECOND!”, she yelled back.

Looking down at the small snake curled up in her palm, she only managed a very small and sad smile. And maybe that was just right.

“Goodbye, Junior.”

“Goodbye…”, he trailed off.

“Lucy. My name is Lucy.”

She mechanically widened her smile. He deserved to at least know that much about her.

The knocking on the door came back as he slid back into the carrier. She closed the carrier and quickly placed it inside a cardboard box with some holes as carriers on the side, also grabbing a note.

“Coming!!!”

Opening the door there was a young guy, about 27 in a polo and jeans. Looked trustworthy. He had been the best rated driver.

“Ok, so I need you to deliver this package to the address on this note, ASAP. Your payment is already done, and your tip is included. I need you to be careful to neither jostle this package, nor turn it wrong side up. There is a very valuable and fragile item in there.”

The guy looked at her, startled. She winked at him.

“That’s why your tip is 20 Pound. I recommend you use the elevator.”

A nod and he turned to leave. She closed the door. 

Right. Now. Quick!

Rustling through her suitcase she quickly changed into her best camouflage – college girl. 

A NASA hoodie, some space print yoga pants, a big backpack and a book and no one looks at you twice. Especially without makeup and a no effort bun.

She grabbed the backpack and hurried down the stairs, just as the delivery guy started to leave his parking spot. And just in time for the cab she’d booked to arrive. She got in and smiled at the driver.

“Hello, good afternoon. I want to go to this café…”

Ten minutes later she was sitting in the café right across the street of a certain bookshop, and ordered a latte while looking out of the window. Right as a certain delivery van arrived.

What? She was amazing at planning.

She unpacked her book and began to pretend to read, while watching the delivery take place on the other side of the street. 

The man taking the delivery was probably Junior’s “Azirafather”, considering how very much he didn’t look like her and also how very much he did look like an angel. 

An angel that was very confused by getting a delivery he had no idea about at the moment. 

She watched on as he waved after the driver, confused but polite. 

She watched on as he carefully opened the lid of the package. 

She watched on as he jumped, startled, and then hurried back inside. 

And she smiled.

She’d wait about half an hour, reading and drinking her latte, as not to raise suspicions and then leave without a trace. 

Like always. 

Junior was probably still young enough to forget about her rather quickly.

But, you see, Lucy, like Junior, could not always devise the perfect plan. There’s always a hole somewhere you can fall into.

The hole, in this case, was reading Juniors favorite book. Oh, she’d taken precautions, putting it into a different wrapping and everything.

She had not planned in how good the book was.

And thus, Lucy stayed in the café for a bit longer, captivated by the story unfolding in front of her – until there was a man in front of her. 

A man that looked quite a bit like her. You could have mistaken them from each other from behind.

“I take it you’re Lucy?”

Trained pokerface. Come on, you can do this.

“And I take it you are “Crowlay”?”

“Crowley. Anthony J Crowley. But I think you know the first part of the name reasonably well, don’t you?”

“How could I not?”, she said, smiling pleasantly and hoping he would go away soon. 

She really wasn’t sure what he wanted. His pokerface was even better than hers.

“Well, you know, there is a certain story a few people would just love to hear from your view. My husband made tea. And you wouldn’t want to disappoint the little ones, would you?”

He must have seen something in her face and he softened his expression slightly.

“We wanted to say a proper thank you. And hey. You never know what kind of repayment you’ll get when you show people some kindness. Maybe you’ll get to see people you like more often, you know?”

He stood up, sauntering towards the door, to then look back to her, over his shoulder.

“You coming?”

She closed her book with a determined “thud” and smiled at him.

“Yes. Yes I am.”

**Author's Note:**

> 1 Probably. She couldn’t exclude the possibility of this… mental thought transfer not having a language at all and her brain just supplying the english words.[return to text]  
> 2 Of course, it would have been easy to pinpoint the country by AJs british accent. It really would have been. If Aziraphale hadn’t decided to teach them every language he knew. But as it is, the constant hearing (actually speaking them was on the lesson plan for later) of multiple different languages made his accent come out very undefinable. Honestly, nothing in their lectures had ever considered one of them might get lost. It really was very lucky Anthony Junior had ended up with Lucy. Almost as some kind of higher power was watching over him. [return to text]
> 
> What happens after this/ Headcannons about Lucy.  
> Lucy goes over for tea, meets the rest of the fam and, of course, immediately gets adopted. However, she gives them both a lecture about teaching their children to properly look out for themselves. She has a business as a mechanic/ restoring service for old cars in England, which is great camouflage as she restores cars all around the world. Other business partners just have to place a special order.  
> Crowley with his Bentley takes only half an hour to get to her, so they visit frequently. She also quickly becomes their No 1 snabysitter, since she can deal with just about anything. She also gets called over when the snabies discover they can, indeed, turn human, which is when she meets the indeed very, very nice vet. Vet, in turn, discovers that Lucy is just as “handsum” as Junior is…  
> Lucy also does have some morals, in that she takes care not to steal artifacts that would deprive the public of something important and she donates a lot of her money – mostly to organizations that help children. She had a pretty bad start into life, with awful foster parents. Everyone always called her untrustworthy and a thief. Until one day she told them – if you want me to be a thief this badly, ok, I will. And I will be the fucking best at it. And so she went on and did exactly that (depending on your definition as best. Best in some fields for sure.)  
> Thanks to Crowley and Aziraphale she never gets caught, but eventually decides to take on less and less work to have time for the people she loves.  
> The END
> 
> * * *
> 
> NOTE: I am really sorry I just couldn't work out how to do linked footnotes! If anyone wants me to change them let me know.
> 
> Come visit my tumblr at [goodduckingomens](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/goodduckingomens). Comments and Kudos very much motivate me, so please leave some if you had fun. Keysmash comments appreaciated for the true Crowleys out there.


End file.
